BY LOUISE SHARP | November 16, 2015
A first date is a nerve-wracking experience for anyone. Some easily lead onto a second, third, forth date, and sometimes even true love. But, unfortunately, some leave nothing but a sour taste in your mouth, and make for a hilarious, albeit cringeworthy, story.
To find out more about the wonderfully weird world of dating, CultNoise spoke exclusively to real people willing to share their own ‘dating disasters’:
The One with the Secret Fiance
I’d been dating a guy and then one night I was out and bumped into him with his mates visiting from home. He was really off with me and I couldn’t work out why. Later on, one of his mates came up to me and I said I had no chance, as he has a girlfriend. I said: ‘I know, but we’ve not made it official yet.’ He looked gobsmacked and said: ‘No, he has a fiance back home.
Two weeks later I came home to my flat and my flatmate was doing a study session with mates off her course. Who should be there, but him. He left very swiftly.
The One with the Awkward Dinner
I went on a date with a guy to a restaurant. All was going well but it felt like someone was staring at me. When I looked up, a woman and an older couple were glaring at me. I pointed this out to him discreetly as we were eating our starters, and when he looked, he swore. I asked him what was up and he said: ‘It’s my ex-wife and her parents.’
The One with the Sister
I met a guy back home who was lovely, but six years older. We went out on a few dates and then we both went back to university. Over the course of a year, we would meet up, but as we both knew it wasn’t a serious relationship, we never introduced each other to our families. One night back home, we were out together where we bumped into my sister. She instantly looked furious and he looked very sheepish. Turns out they had dated a few years previously. I haven’t seen him since.
The One with the Impromptu Alcoholism
I got set up on a blind date with a friend of a friend. He really wasn’t my type and he looked like Kyle from Road Trip, but I couldn’t ditch him instantly. I went to the toilet to call a mate to get her to ring me to get me out of it, but we were in the black hole of phone signal with nothing in the whole building. I then had to sit through a meal with him. He gave me the excuse to walk out though. Feeling so bored I ordered some shots, to which he branded me an alcoholic for drinking hard spirits at 3 in the afternoon. After I necked them, I walked out.
The One with the Ditchers
Me and my mate got stood up for a double date once. So, we stayed out having a few drinks. We weren’t actually bothered until we went to student night at the local nightclub, where they were there with two other girls. They tried saying that they looked everywhere, but couldn’t find us in the bar. The other girls they were with overheard this and ditched them. They then tried crawling back to us.
The One with the Drool
I got taken on a date to see the first Lord of the Rings movie. I hate films like that. But he was fit so I didn’t want to miss the opportunity. I fell asleep on his shoulder, and drooled on him. Apparently I snored, too. I never heard from him again.
The One with the PVC Skirt
I met a guy online, a PE teacher. He seemed nice, so we agreed to a date. As he was a teacher, which I had checked out, I thought it would be okay to let him pick me up. He arrived at my house with a ‘gift’. Upon opening the box, I saw a God awful maroon PVC skirt, which he then asked me to wear for the date. Of course, I refused to wear it, and he was not happy, but we went out anyway. I got a bit tipsy so agreed to a second date afterwards. He arrives again a few days later, but was in a bit of a strop about the fact that I still wouldn’t wear the skirt. We went for an Italian meal, and he barely said a word to me. The date was painful, and I was glad when it was over.
When we left and got to the car, he was so moody and distracted that he reversed into a tree in the car park. I was trying not to laugh by this stage. When I got home, I sent him a message and told him it wasn’t going to work out, and wished him well. A few days passed and he got back in touch. I told him again I wasn’t interested, but he messaged me persistently saying he wanted to meet. I flat-out said no and asked him to leave me alone. Then the truth came out. He wanted the skirt back, which I’d forgot I even had. On questioning why it was so important, he admitted he used it to ‘get off’. Incidentally, I did give it back, but put it behind the bin and told him to collect it and not to knock on my door. He knocked anyway so I dived behind the sofa and my friend answered. The look on his face was a picture as she started laughing at him, holding the bag containing the skirt. He looked a right plonker.
The One with the Future Mrs Anderson
I was once on a second date with a girl when we decided to have a seat by the sea and started to chat. Because we had met online and only had one date, I didn’t know her last name. So, she told me her name, which is important to add, is not the same as mine (Anderson), and then I asked her if she knew mine. She said she did. Then we went quiet for a minute until she said out loud and in a ponderous tone: ‘Sarah Anderson… Hmmm.’
The One with the Guy Under the Influence of…Something
I was 19 years old, and not long out of a two-year relationship. So, the concept of dating was completely new to me. I met someone whilst out with friends one night. I gave him my number, he rang the next day and we arranged to meet up that evening. I turned up at the agreed time, and waited outside the cinema. After waiting an hour, I concluded that I’d been stood up. As I was about to leave, a car pulled up and someone stumbled out of the passenger side. It was my date. We’d missed the film, so the best suggestion he could come up with was to sit in the local school field with a few bottles of beer, which he then selected in the shop, fished around in his pocket, produced £2 leaving me to jump in and pay the rest. Now, I wasn’t exactly enthralled with the whole sitting in a field idea, but went along with it anyway. He was acting pretty weird. He kept shrieking with excitement that he loved blondes and couldn’t believe he was on a date with one. He also whistle and shouted: ‘Sexaaaaay’ at two passing women. I kind of figured out that he had either been dabbling with illegal substances, or was drunk.
We sat down, in the middle of the field, on a main road surrounded with houses. Not particularly remote thankfully, and home was a 10 minute walk away. The conversation was gibberish, and I wanted desperately to leave. After about 15 minutes of listening to his one-sided conversation, he put his head on my lap, and fell asleep. I waited a few minutes, and as he started to snore, I moved him. Thinking back, I should maybe have put him in the recovery position, but I just kind of pushed his head from my lap and ran. I ran to the nearest phone box, rang my dad and asked him to quickly come pick me up – this was before mobiles became the norm. I saw my date stand up, look around, then stagger towards where I was hiding. Just as he was getting closer to the phone box, my dad pulled up in the car. I flung the door open, heard him shouting random insults, jumped in the car and we drove away me flicking him the Vs. The phone rang the next morning and I heard my mum tell the person on the other end of the phone to never ring again, so I assume it was him.
The One with the Cheapstake
I agreed to go on a date with someone I’d met on a night out. He picked me up and we went to Pizza Hut. He ordered a starter and main and I did the same. He then ordered desert and told me to pick one too, so I did. He also ordered several soft drinks for him, and alcoholic beverages for me. Sounds like I was out with a very generous date? Wrong. The very costly bill came and he said: ‘I’ll let you get this’.
The One with the Fake Conversation
I went on a date to town one night with someone I’d been chatting to online. He didn’t look much like he described (this was before mobiles had cameras), but I’m not shallow and I liked what I knew of him. He seemed keen, very keen. It became evident he liked me more that I did him, but still being quite young and naive, I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. So, I decided to get drunk and just enjoy the night the best I could. We went to a nightclub and at this point, I was quite happily having a boogie on my own, and wanted rid of him. He kept grabbing my hands and flinging me around, clearly unaware that there was just no chemistry at all between us. So, out of sheer desperation, I noticed a group of male students, ran across to one of them, threw my arms around him excitedly, whispered: ‘Please just go along with this’. I exclaimed how I was so happy to see him as I hadn’t seen him in years and started up a completely fake ‘catch-up’ conversation. My date eventually got bored and left.
(Originally written for Cultnoise Magazine – currently under reconstruction. https://facebook.com/cultnoise)